Brett's Look at Life

Thank you! You can still be part of the Havekost Hootenanny!

2009-09-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

Thank you! Thank you! The Havekost Hootenanny was successful! Thank you for all of you who showed your support by donating and attending our function. We enjoyed hearing the stories people had shared of their cancer heroes. We have the banner signed with names hanging in our house to inspire us and keep us going! Ten miles is not easy!

We do not have our final numbers yet. Currently we are shy of $500! Thank you!

The Hootenanny still continues! There are ways you can still order and help.

We will still take Southern Living orders until Wednesday, September 23rd. Below it the link for the catalog:

http://mag1.olivesoftware.com/ActiveMagazine/welcome/STLM/SouthernLivingatHome.asp

Call us and we can take your order.

If you want Tastefully Simple, You can order online! The link is below:

http://pomm.tastefullysimple.com/pomm/GuestResponseCatalogParty.aspx?pxid=4154390&key=d7072aa4-0f10-4a5d-a17c-6c00d8e1fac0

Also, Creative Memories has a link to help our cause:

please visit http://www.mycmsite.com/sites/lbergeron

and mention Jericia Havekost as the "Host". 30% of the sales will be donated to LLS.

We have commented to each other that we can't give up now! You have all invested so much into us! The pressure! Now we have to reach our goal in miles and dollars. Thank you for all the words of support. They truly do help us!

Thank you!

Brett and Jericia

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Hope to see you there!

2009-09-18T14:22:00.000-07:00

If you cannot attend, please pass to someone who can. Everyone is invited! Thanks so much!

Shop for a cure for cancer!

Fun! Food! Shopping! Prizes!
Everyone is invited! Bring a friend or two or ten!
When: September 19th from 4:00 – 8:00
Where: The Havekost Home: 10738 N. Belmont Ct 77065
Phone Number: 281-970-7720

Get your Christmas shopping started, pamper yourself, or spoil a friend. Whatever your reason come to shop or donate money to help raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.
There will also be tickets that you can buy for an opportunity drawing for prizes!
Check out our cause! http://pages.teamintraining.org/txg/houston10/bhavekost

Pilots Don't Rush Things

2007-04-09T06:55:00.001-07:00

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom: "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area." He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot,” So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear, he’s gotta take a shit first."

Someone's Little Helper

2007-04-09T06:52:00.000-07:00

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-clocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

Easter Might Be Late This Year

2007-04-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

Museum Quality - Defined

2007-04-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

What? Look for yourself.

Too Funny - MOM My Ride!

2007-04-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

Don't Laugh Doc!

2007-03-08T13:17:00.000-08:00

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor."I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now...what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.

Blond Accident Response

2007-03-06T06:16:00.000-08:00

What is the first thing a blonde does after a bad car accident?

Turn off the ignition?

NO

Get away from the car in case it explodes?

NO

Call 911 on her cell phone?

NO

Profession Test

2007-03-05T06:57:00.001-08:00

An old southern country preacher form Georgia had a teenage son and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his preacher decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK, but if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and as he turned to leave spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, the young man picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink as he picked up Playboy and admired the Centrefold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered, "he's gonna be a Marine".

Who Lost $1,000,000 Very Quickly?

2007-03-05T06:52:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever."

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:

"Which of the following is the largest?" A) A Peanut B) An Elephant C) The Moon D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

"Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

"Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend."

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

"Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun."

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

"Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it."

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'

"I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

"Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer." Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

For Those With Son's (possible repeat)

2007-02-28T06:52:00.000-08:00

Heather - you think these are funny (and they are!!!) but it'll be just a few more years and they'll almost all be coming true for you. Enjoy the calm now....

Don't Stay Out All Weekend!

2007-02-28T06:48:00.000-08:00

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade about his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Reaching Out To Help

2007-02-27T09:30:00.000-08:00

As I walked down the busy street, knowing I was late for my meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

I saw a person who was wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags. My heart was touched by this person's condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........

I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.

It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.

Proper Pronunciation of Oklahoma

2007-02-27T09:27:00.000-08:00

The proper way to pronounce Oklahoma is "Okla.....homa"

(there's a pause between the A and the H)

see the reason below

Sounds Like A Bunch Of Immigrants

2007-02-21T08:55:00.001-08:00

40,000,000,000

Or

40 Brazillians

Which is higher?

12-Steppers Abound

2007-02-21T07:55:00.000-08:00

There's a 12-step program for nearly everyone these days.

For email addicts, those people admitting that email is managing them rather than the other way round, and will help them to tackle their obsession for reading or replying to emails on vacation, in the car and even in the bathroom.

Hmmm....now where have I scene that before?

Not Allowed To Protest Terrorists?

2007-02-20T13:33:00.000-08:00

No kidding....see what's happening in San Francisco. A group of students is in trouble for burning and kicking the Hezbollah and Al Queida flags....

Video Here

Go figure, it fits that it's San Fran.

Shift Happens

2007-02-20T07:59:00.000-08:00

Hillary On Education

2007-02-19T19:26:00.000-08:00

Hillary Clinton went to a elementary school in New York City to talk about the world. After her talk, she had a "question and answer" period. One little boy raised his hand & the Senator asked him for his name. "Kenneth."

And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have 3 questions:

1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rang for recess. Mrs. Clinton informed the children they would continue after recess. When they resumed Hillary said, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy put up his hand. Hillary pointed to him and asked him for his name.

"Larry."

And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have 5 questions:

1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

4th - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

5th - What happened to Kenneth

Women vs. Men -- Shower Time!

2007-02-14T09:43:00.001-08:00

How To Shower - Men & Women - video powered by Metacafe

Valentines Presents NOT To Give Today

2007-02-14T07:38:00.000-08:00

Fox News has gathered up 10 items not to give your significant other. Some of these go without saying....some don't, so I'll say it.

First off, the sporty his & her tire rings. "Dude, I got her a tire ring!" might sound cool after a dozen beers at Daytona, but she's not going to fall for it.
The Lil' Stinker (farting bear) will crack you up, which is good because you will be spending a lot of time alone after giving this gift.
Yes, pink is all the rage, but a taser? It'd probably be used right after she realized you got her a Lil'Stinker Bear AND Tire Rings for Valentines Day.
Lingerie always is a good option. Cross-pollinating a bra with a Lite Bright is not a good idea. If you need runway landing light to know where your amore is, you got bigger issue.
Oprah reportedly is a fan of the spring-loaded Lil' Minx (shown below), which is inexplicably marketed to the amateur erotic dancer on the go, but you may as well go with the Xpose Fitness model, which markets itself as "the cheapest brass pole on the market."

You're not just a pervert, you're a cheapskate, too.

Why Girls Are Smarter

2007-02-13T13:57:00.000-08:00

Sharon Stone

2007-02-13T09:40:00.001-08:00

The Trucker and The Blonde

2007-02-13T06:45:00.000-08:00

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car,
runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Nebraska and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Good Boy!

2007-02-08T07:21:00.000-08:00

I've heard that at times dogs
are more intelligent than humans.
This would appear to be positive proof.

It's Baseball Folks....B-A-S-E-B-A-L-L

2007-02-07T12:03:00.000-08:00

I received this email today about a concerned parent of a 5-year old just starting to play baseball in this area of town.

{NAME WITHHELD], Please bear with this request and try to understand where I am coming from. Know that I am not a person to raise questions or want to
create more work for you. I am concerned about our team name being "Devil
rays". The little that my son does know of the devil is the devil is bad.
I think that calling there team devil signals they are bad and may also
raise questions among 5 year olds about the devil. I don't think a baseball
team is the time or place to raise these questions or concerns with five
year olds. Will you please try to give us a new team name? If you have the
schedules already made, then give us a new name for the kids and we will
know on the schedule we are the Devil Rays. I just don't want the kids
cheering go "Devil Rays"! It is not age appropriate. Thanks in advance for
your help with this concern.

Hello? I think her bible belt is cinched a little too tight. This is a Devil Ray

As are these

Science & Chemistry: Kansas Style

2007-02-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

How Many USB Ports Do You Have?

2007-02-06T12:01:00.000-08:00

I would like one of these for each USB port in my soon-to-be cubicle.

FIRE THE MISSILES

I Feel A Blogging Lull Coming On

2007-02-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

I'm busy working on some real paying work stuff, I have a few other projects in the works for myself & family and just haven't had much time to either surf the web, wipe my nose or whistle Dixie lately. I should just throw random thoughts at the blog via emails, but for now, I'll try to just keep doing what I'm doing .... only slower, yeah...s..l..o..w..e..r..

For those interested, you can see the world's 2nd smallest web site here. Probably the crappiest though. The fact that I don't have just a single "." on the page and no other words, would have made it the #1 smallest site ever, but I went and put some words in there. (BTW, done in Notepad typing with my eyes closed, saved and posted without using my eyes .... it seemed like a challenge at the time). It hides the technical monster behind the scenes that I hope to be able to make truly public soon. Take it for a spin here.

This past week, my attitude about work can be summed up in a picture -- not the above dog -- but the monkey below here.

If you see me on MSN Messenger, you'll know I'm at work with this avatar or icon or whatever the F microsoft calls the little pictures in their Messenger program.

Things To Come

2007-01-29T06:40:00.000-08:00

Help Understanding Democrat Tax Refunds

If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax refunds, maybe this will help explain it:

50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out.

A refund is now then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.

Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets.

Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets. This, according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair.

A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with.

Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right thing to do."

People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets. They need the most help. Sometimes this is known as affirmative action.

Now do you understand?

If not, contact Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator John Kerry or Senator Hillary Clinton for assistance.

Selling Your House?

2007-01-26T13:53:00.000-08:00

Here are a few examples of what NOT to do with your digital photos of the house for sale.

House Photos

I'll have to remember these soon.

From Fark: Tubing

2007-01-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

New Braunfels, Texas, still oblivious to the fact that its entire economy is based on river tourism, implements further bans on river tourism

Oh really, click here, and read it yourself.

Jump In His Car!

2007-01-23T11:54:00.001-08:00

David teaches us all on ways to woo the ladies.

See Thru Tires

2007-01-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

No inner tube or for that matter, no air.

Radical new tire design by Michelin. The next generation of tires.

They had a pair at the Philadelphia car show.

These tires are airless and are scheduled to be out on the market very soon.

This is what great R&D will do, and just think of the impact on existing technology:

a no more air valves.
B. no more air compressors at gas stations
c. no more repair kits

Sensitive Southerners

2007-01-22T06:47:00.000-08:00

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower-Cooter, Pete and K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff .

Protest This!

2007-01-19T10:25:00.000-08:00

Iraq war veteran Sgt. Craig Breiner to shake off bum knee, carry flag 50 miles in protest this Saturday.

Oh yeah: He's protesting the Democrats negative image of our military, not the war.

Suck it, libs!

Rock on, Rock on!

My Cell Carrier

2007-01-19T07:38:00.000-08:00

I stay out of the "Who's a better cell service provider" debate because I rarely use my cell phone, all the services are pretty much crap (why advertise you have the *lowest* dropped calls and not *NO* dropped calls...??) and finally, it gets too confusing when each carrier has different options so an apples to apples comparison isn't possible.

However, my Cingular carrier is apparently changing. Do I know this from a letter, phone call, text or email from the company? Nope. From the news. Will I ever hear from them on this? Probably not until a payment is missed due to where it's supposed to be sent to.

Stephen Colbert does a masterful job of explaining what I didn't know about Cingular.

Hooters In The News Again

2007-01-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

(this time, no photos of their employees)

ORLANDO, Fla. -- A controversial sign outside a Central Florida Hooter's restaurant reading "plagiarism saves time" located near a school has been removed.

Local 6 videotaped the plagiarism sign at the Hooter's restaurant on Lake Underhill Road located across the street from Legacy Middle School.

A teacher thought the sign sent the wrong message to students, the report said.

Now, I can't fault the managers at Hooters for putting up that sign. And a huge "KUDOS!" goes out to the Hooters waitress that actually spelled all of the words correctly on the sign.

If in this day and age, we are going to educate all of our youths to read, write and perform math problems using more then addition, where is Hooters going to get their employees from? Oh yeah, there are girls attending nursing school that need a few extra bucks for tuition payments and the occasional former stripper who had an aversion to being topless but is A-Okay with nylong shorts, smash-em-together-an-up bra and tight fitting shirt. But this was a way to keep a few, just a handful with more then a handful of ... well, you know .... at the necessary education levels to believe that landing the gig at Hooters is tantamount to winning the Daytona 500.

Watch Your Diet Guys

2007-01-16T08:07:00.000-08:00

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."

One More Educational Video

2007-01-10T21:13:00.001-08:00

Drugs, caffeine or alcohol .... which one is worse for spiders.

Real or Hoax?

2007-01-10T21:08:00.000-08:00

Take a Walk on the O.R.G. Side!

2007-01-10T15:12:00.000-08:00

Remember when "cool" was hip?

Remember when Microsoft stock was like $1.25 per share?

Remember when your MySpace Network didn't have 147,090,740 members in your extended network -- whatever the hell that meant! -- ?

Well, now you can get in on the ground floor of the O.R.G. (oh, arrh, gee) before it goes through the roof.

Here's me in the ORG. Kick the tires, light the fires and see what you think. Join if you'd like, or remain a hard charger and don't. Here's the front door [click here after knocking twice]

Back When It was Warm

2007-01-10T12:47:00.001-08:00

brett_h (16), originally uploaded by HaveNasty.

The Double-Delight roses used to bloom. Now that it's only in the 50's, things just don't grow like they should.

Flickr

2007-01-10T12:45:00.001-08:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

100 Best Companies to Work For in 2007

2007-01-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

Go ahead and look through the list that Forbes has put together to see if you're in a "good" or "not-quite-top-100" company.

I for one will welcome working for our glorious and ever present leader, Google.

And so long as Google controls the Internet, Forbes will always find that they are #1 -- its just a guess on my part but I don't want to anger the html-gods either by disclosing too much information about them.

Quick: How To Dance Properly

2007-01-08T14:55:00.001-08:00

Click and learn how to dance.

Once mastered, there is the Advanced Dancing lessons to be mastered.

Have Fun!

3 Years Ago .... Waiting for my Dr. With a Camera Phone

2007-01-08T12:37:00.000-08:00

Make Your Own Video PodCast

2007-01-08T12:33:00.000-08:00

This might be the new line of "Dummies Guides to _______". Instead, it's Frenchmaids ..... oh well, anyway to get an old dog to learn new tricks.

This Is Twice In Two Days

2007-01-08T11:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I heard the term "naked party" for the first time. Not that I haven't heard of those words before, but never in the context of "it's a party" and "the guest simply have nothing on". Otherwise you'd use terms like "orgy" or "hot tub party" or some other term refering to a wild party that gets loose through alcohol or other means ending up with the participants being in a state of nakkidness.

But then today, I hear that Ivy League students are fond of "naked parties". I would totally be asked to leave by the host or hostess by my lack of social graces when, in the article they state: "You're allowed to give everyone a quick once-over as you say, 'Hey, what's up?', but after that, you've got to maintain pretty good eye contact."

I'm sure my definition of "pretty good eye contact" would differ from most of these liberal party animals. Well, I guess there are always exceptions and maybe I just need to start with the Golden Girl's Fan Club Reunion party - if I were to start attending nakkid parties.

Houston Livestock and Rodeo Concert Schedule

2007-01-08T09:37:00.000-08:00

There's someone performing to hit every musical taste imaginable.

ALAN JACKSON
BEYONCÉ
BROOKS & DUNN
CLAY WALKER
DIERKS BENTLEY
Ford presents...TOBY KEITH
GEORGE STRAIT
Go Tejano Day
GRETCHEN WILSON
JOSH TURNER - Monday March 5th
LOS LONELY BOYS
MARTINA McBRIDE
NATALIE COLE, KEM
PAT GREEN
PESADO, EMILIO
RASCAL FLATTS - Wednesday March 14th
REBA McENTIRE
SHERYL CROW
SURGARLAND
THE CHEETAH GIRLS, MILEY CYRUS AS HANNAH MONTANA
ZZ TOP

Concerts start February 27th and run thru March 18th. HLSR link here.

Old Fashioned Insults

2007-01-08T06:21:00.001-08:00

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder

Women, Help Yourselves!

2007-01-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

Women who exercise by doing the housework can reduce their risk of breast cancer, a study suggests.

The research on more than 200,000 women from nine European countries found doing household chores was far more cancer protective than playing sport.

Them Brits will study anything to get out of real scientific work. Next, they better study if platform shoes and hard labor cause back issues.

Digging Up The Truth

2006-12-25T19:01:00.001-08:00

After having dug to a depth of 1000 feet last year, University of Illinois scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Illini, in the weeks that followed, University of Iowa scientist dug to a depth of 2000 feet and shortly after headlines in the Iowa Sun Times newspapers read:

"Iowian archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Illini."

One week later, the Omaha newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 5000 feet in Western Nebraska, scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Nebraska inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2006-12-25T04:29:00.000-08:00

Christmas Vacation: The Movie

2006-12-22T07:46:00.000-08:00

In Just 30 Seconds

Disney Doesn't Ban People, Do They?

2006-12-22T06:43:00.000-08:00

Supposedly these two ladies were banned for life from the Disney theme parks after wearing these outfits.

However, I'm having trouble finding much when I search Google to see if this is true. To date, I've searched for "Mom Daughter Boobies", "Boobies in Florida", "Ladies bearing their breasts" and finally "breasts, boobs and tits" has brought me over 45,823,895,134 hits that I'll have to look through each on over the Christmas break to see if I can find any truth to this photo above. And this photo hasn't come up.

Although, I am now certain that if I have a daughter, there is no way in all of Hades that she'd go on Spring Break to anywhere.

Lastly, if these two were banned for semi-bearing their breasteses, then here's another place for the Disney censors to find more women to ban. Splash Mountain.....errrr....Flash Mountain.

For The Dudes Who Don't Know What To Get Their Gals

2006-12-21T13:27:00.000-08:00

Ted - An Oldie But A Goodie

2006-12-20T07:53:00.000-08:00

For the Dude That Wants It All

2006-12-20T07:41:00.000-08:00

A great radio for Boob lovers! This battery operated radio is AM/FM and uses the rubber feel nipples for tuning & volume control. It is a a definite "Turn On"!!!!
Available thru a UK company only.

Warning: HOLIDAY SCAM!

2006-12-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

I want to warn everybody about this because it happened to me!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start kissing each other ...

And then one of them climbs over into the front seat to have sex with you while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, on the 17th, 20th, two times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Grandpa, I Get It Now

2006-12-19T09:08:00.000-08:00

He used to refer to women thinking of themselves "as the bee's knees" - as illustrated in this image. However, I think it was a way of conveying "holy shit she's hot!" but without drawing too much attention to himself or the eye candy of choice.

Science Exam Answers

2006-12-18T11:45:00.000-08:00

Children's Science Exam If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this !)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdo minal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A : Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Not Yet

2006-12-17T20:29:00.000-08:00

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied

Sharp Eyes

2006-12-15T09:54:00.000-08:00

A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church..."Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month".

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well", sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny
emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.

Best Ad Ever!

2006-12-13T10:55:00.000-08:00

Be A Man's Man!

2006-12-13T10:53:00.000-08:00

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen. "From now on, you need to know that I'm the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my guess."

Quick Change Artist to Escape the Photogs

2006-12-11T09:40:00.000-08:00

Who knew that Michael Jackson t-shirts were still popular?

Match the Claus'

2006-12-11T09:13:00.000-08:00

A. John Goodman	1. Santa Who? (2000)
B. Peter Boyle	2. Just Shoot Me (1998)
C. Tom Cavanagh	3. Chicago Hope (1995)
D. Stop-motion Santa	4. The Year Without a Santa Claus
E. Santa's Little Helper	5. Mrs. Santa Claus (1996)
F. Moose	6. Frasier (1998)
G. David Spade	7. Everybody Loves Raymond (1996)
H. Charles Durning	8. The Simpsons (1997)
I. Vondie Curtis Hall	9. Snow (2004)
J. Leslie Nielsen	10. Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1972)

Place cursor here, click & drag down to highlight the correct answers.
John Goodman: 4, Peter Boyle: 7, Tom Cavanagh: 9, Stop-motion Santa: 10, Santa's Little Helper: 8, Moose: 6, David Spade: 2, Charles Durning: 5, Vondie Curtis Hall: 3, Leslie Nielsen: 1
Stop dragging here.

Starting The Season

2006-12-11T08:27:00.000-08:00

Click on the picture above.

Groan Loudly On This One

2006-12-11T06:39:00.000-08:00

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows: There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Wise Agents

2006-12-11T06:35:00.000-08:00

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said "You better not go in that field."

The Ag representative said in a "wise" tone "I have the authority of the U.S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture Rep running for the fence, close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step.

The Old farmer called out: "Show him your card!"

Analogies and Metaphors

2006-12-11T06:29:00.001-08:00

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated came as a rude shock, like the roaming charges that appear on your cell phone bill when you make a long distance call from Mexico.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

19. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

20. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

21. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

22. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

23. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard chimes ringing, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Why I'm Not A Duck Hunter

2006-12-07T12:04:00.000-08:00

Monkey vs. Dog

2006-12-06T13:27:00.000-08:00

Pop Quiz Time

2006-12-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

TOUGH DOZEN QUIZ

Take this quiz...the answers will be posted later!

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.

8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers?

10. There are 7 ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other 6.

11. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

12. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."

The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing...

2006-12-06T07:15:00.000-08:00

Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure.

The going rate on the east coast now exceeds $10,000.

Many men feel it is worth it.

Night Stand Memories

2006-12-04T13:56:00.000-08:00

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, Silly!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before my surgery."

Stamps for the Holidays

2006-12-04T09:26:00.000-08:00

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 Baptists."

Wonder Why He Needs Money?

2006-11-30T14:21:00.000-08:00

The link on CraigsList won't last long, but this was too funny.

Here are three reason's why the dude might be selling his tires and rims.
a) He's purchased a hybrid from Honda and these rims just don't fit.
b) That 1988 Tickle-Me-Elmo doll is more expensive then he thought.
c) A 'minor' non-prescription-drug 'issue'.

I Love Lamps!

2006-11-30T13:39:00.001-08:00

It's Dropping Fast!

2006-11-30T07:28:00.000-08:00

7:40 Took my hypochondriac son to the bus stop this morning - TEMP 71
7:45 Returned home to pick up my laptop -- dark clouds rolling in
7:47 Left home to go to work - TEMP 45

A 26 degree drop in temperatures!

Late Update: Holy Krap! Lunch Time - TEMP 36

QOD and HORROR-SCOPE

2006-11-29T14:55:00.000-08:00

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry (1947 - )

and

Virgo's Horoscope for Today

You may be at the end of your rope and feeling like there isn't anywhere left to go -- that you have run out of alternatives. The good news is that you get circumstantial help, as something in your environment that has been slowing you down starts to shift. Be prepared to let go of your previous plans. Holding on to them will only bring you increased frustration when a viable solution appears.
-- Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Go Irish!

2006-11-29T12:55:00.000-08:00

Bono was performing at his U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence..."Fookin stop doing it then!"

Watch Out! The RIAA Will Do This Next

2006-11-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

Me thinks so! From a BBspot article, I quote:

The MPAA is lobbying congress to push through a new bill that would make unauthorized home theaters illegal. The group feels that all theaters should be sanctioned, whether they be commercial settings or at home.

The MPAA defines a home theater as any home with a television larger than 29" with stereo sound and at least two comfortable chairs, couch, or futon. Anyone with a home theater would need to pay a $50 registration fee with the MPAA or face fines up to $500,000 per movie shown. [Emphasis is mine]

"Just because you buy a DVD to watch at home doesn't give you the right to invite friends over to watch it too. That's a violation of copyright and denies us the revenue that would be generated from DVD sales to your friends," said Glickman. "Ideally we expect each viewer to have their own copy of the DVD, but we realize that isn't always feasible. The registration fee is a fair compromise.

Sometimes it's just too funny to make up. But only if this were a hoax or spoof.....I wish.
BBspot Article Here

3:34 of Zen

2006-11-28T13:05:00.000-08:00

Oh, how I miss Kailua Beach, swimming to Flat Island and listening to the surf at night.

Much mahalo Rabbett for the views of Kailua and for IRH Live's streaming Hawaiian music. Click here if you have sound on your computer - listen long enough, you'll be hooked. If you're hooked, make a donation. Aloha!

Marriage Help

2006-11-27T06:58:00.001-08:00

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up,walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says,"This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies,"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Hope Y'all Had A Good Thanksgiving!

2006-11-26T14:46:00.000-08:00

I know I did!

Buck The Fuffaloes

2006-11-21T12:21:00.000-08:00

Smart Ass Answers

2006-11-21T06:52:00.000-08:00

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

Welcome to Walmart

2006-11-20T06:37:00.000-08:00

A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks into Walmart with her two kids.

The overtly pleasant Walmart Greeter, says "My, Are they twins"!?

The ugly woman says "Hell no dickweed, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, he's 7. Why?... Do you think they really look that much alike?"

"Hell no", replied the greeter, not to be out done. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

(BTW, the click here is not mine, feel free to click it, but alas, nothing will happen)

This Friday!

2006-11-20T06:31:00.000-08:00

We Husker fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Colorado fan we see strutting down the street, with that obnoxious Black & Gold "CU" on their shirt and/or hat. We would swerve our vehicles as if to hit them, and swerve back just missing them.

One day, while driving along, I saw a priest. I thought I would do a good deed, so I pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to say mass at Our Lady of the Hills Church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest .

"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift." The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road.

Suddenly, I saw a Colorado fan walking down the road, with that "CU" shirt on, and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud thud. Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors, but still didn't see anything.

I then remembered the priest. I turned to him and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Colorado fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door!"

GO BIG RED!!!!

AWESOME! Geek Humor!

2006-11-17T12:04:00.000-08:00

This is TOOOO funny not to pass along. Sorry, no link, actual work on your part.

Click -- START -- RUN and type CMD. In the DOS box that appears, Copy-&-Paste (or type it yourself):

"telnet towel.blinkenlights.nl" --- without the quotes.

Sit back and enjoy Star Wars like you've never seen Star Wars before.

My Mom Says I'm Getting Old

2006-11-17T11:08:00.000-08:00

25 signs that you've grown up for good

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work..

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"

Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt

Happens Every Other November

2006-11-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly lady who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......Today you voted."

Friday Humor?

2006-11-17T04:49:00.001-08:00

Q: What do you call a calf after it’s six months old?

A: Seven months old.

Laws To Live By

2006-11-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Works every time.)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Be Careful in Corpus Christi

2006-11-15T08:01:00.000-08:00

Don't mess around with Texas Football!

No wait....that's 5 & 6 year old footballers in Corpus Christi. Now that is *exactly* how parents are supposed to demonstrate good behaviour and sportsmenship in football (or life for that matter).

40 Years From Now, The Next "Mr. President"

2006-11-10T14:43:00.000-08:00

Although, I thought the last name would be Howry for some reason - not Jones.

More or Less?

2006-11-10T09:23:00.000-08:00

A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."