2004 is ending. 2005 Here We Come!

The years end is upon us all – minus the Chinese who'll celebrate their New Year February 8^th.

I'm not a big fan of resolutions and grandios plans for a new year, but this year I thought I'd offer up more then well wishes for the new year and actually put a semi-plan down here in Blogville.

First, I need to get into shape. If not in the same shape these five offer, at least better then where I am today. The plan in it's most simple form: eat less, move more. Okay, so for me that will mean actually planning out meals a week in advance, getting out to run (knees permitting) 3X a week, and getting to the YMCA at least 3X a week too.



Second, I hope to see the beauty in all that is around. These scenes are beautiful, and although I don't live near any of them, I have equal scenery where I've been and currently live. I need to search internally and externally for the good.



Lastly, this collage is a smattering of past and present. First, I enjoy reading The Good Wife and her stories - the picture on the far left graces her background. Second, having mastered the battery recharger, I need to capture more via digital photography and then actually do something with the pictures – like print them out and send them to those who'd like to get pictures, such as pictures of someones grandchild. Next, I must celebrate like tomorrow won't arrive, maybe not Champagne every day but the imagery still stands. Rather then fight the peaks and valleys of my emotions and keep fight to keep an even keel, I need to let them run loose in both extremes and not fear the consequences. The cat & dog are cute, I just wanted it for a cuteness break. The legs, well, they should speak for themselves because they speak volumes to me. It's new, different, exciting and a good angle if I do say so myself. Last, and definitely not least, the roses. It's good to accentuate the beauty of the previous picture (women look better holding roses, or flowers for that matter), it reminds me of my passion for growing roses (and plumeria too) and with the stunning beauty of the rose buds, there are also flaws, vulnerabilities and defenses that come with the raw elegance and primal allure. It's natures ying and yang in one plant.

I wish each and everyone of you a non-regretful 2004 and an ever better 2005. May your wishes come true, may your dreams be real and that which you lay your heart into, come to pass.

See ya'll next year!

Baseball Doesn't Have Death, But It Does Have Taxes

Taxes? Who can figure them out? With my undergraduate business degree, my MBA and about a about 20 years of living with someone else's invisible hand in my wallet, you'd think that I'd have this whole tax thing better understood.

However, I cannot figure out why there isn't a progressive luxury tax in baseball – if progressive taxes are the cat's meow like about half our politicians believe [side note: looking at baseball's luxury tax shows why a progressive income tax doesn't work]. On Monday, the Yankees were informed by MLB that they'll have to pay $25,026,352 in their luxury tax – formerly known as the competitive-balance tax. The problem lies in the fact that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays had a total payroll of $24.4 million last year.

Since New York has such a large fan base, TV audience and revenue base to draw from, I can foresee a time where George Steinbrener will pay the same amount in luxury tax as he does in payroll. But he'll still be making money hand over fist. If you doubt me, look at the top players in their positions who happen to be at the end of their current contracts this year; Carlos Beltran and Randy Johnson. Undoubtedly both will be wearing New York pinstripes next year, making the Yank's even that much stronger as an overall team, pulling in more fans & viewing audience on the Yank's own TV channel, upping their income & revenue, and making it affordable to pay even more luxury tax.

Currently, the luxury tax is $0.40 per $1.00 spent above the average of the 5th & 6th highest payrolls in the league. I can see where on the low end, every dollar spent above the 9th & 10th place team would cost $0.05 per dollar spent. And a sliding scale for all of the other averages between the 8th and 2nd highest paying clubs.

Average Payroll                    Luxury Tax

9th & 10th                              $0.05

7th & 8th                                $0.25

5th & 6th                                $0.45

3rd & 4th                                $0.65

2nd + CPI                               $0.85

1st + CPI                               $1.00

CPI = Consumer Price Index which equates to inflation for this example.

Will this ever happen? Nope. The players union and the big market teams don't like the idea of spending caps or limiting the excessive increases in pay. Why would they? The large markets keep winning AND making money, and the players union keeps getting more money based on their percentage of each players salary as wages grow.

I say all of this because the Astros are going to miss Carlos Beltran next year. We wish him all well in New York once that deal goes through.

Finally, Norah Jones rocks. She's bluesy, smoky, jazzy, folksy and seductive. I received two of her CD's for Christmas and am listening to them right now. Hopefully she'll last longer then Eddie Brickel.

XMas Cleanup Begins

Let me tell you, putting away all of the Christmas decorations is such a royal pain in the butt. I'd put it off till later, but I've found later never truly arrives. Case in point, the lights around the chimney are still up from *last year* because I was going to get to them *later*. Oh well...and I thought putting UP the lights was a real pain getting them untangled.

A Long Slow Goodbye to 2004

Alright boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, and those of you gender indifferent individuals out there, the time is fast approaching for the end of year or beginning of new year task. So I'll be the first dork to ask you:

What's your New Years resolution?

I'm looking at about 10 choices for myself. Now, the cynics out there will scoff that I'm not serious, but to me I don't see why simply starting a brand new calendar should force people to dream up unrealistic resolutions. If that is the case, then I say we start selling monthly calendars rather then yearly and everyone would have to find and follow through with a dozen resolutions. Here are my 10 yearly choices:

10. Read less.
9. Start a collection of old toe nail clippings.
8. I'm going to read every manual for every product I buy in 2005 – cover to cover!
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more. I'll ease into this one.
5. Drink, drink, then drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious. Crossing my fingers in hopes it's successful.
3. Spend more time with an at risk kid: My own.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
and last and least...
1.Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

In all seriousness now, I do have a few ideas for New Year Resolutions, but that's three days away, so for now I'm sticking with this list – hint: #6 above is leading the list of possible contenders right now.

It Keeps Going On & On

'Tis the 2nd day after Christmas
Looks like we've mostly survived it.
The holiday depression and blues
just haven't arrived yet.

The stockings are empty,
The Hefty sacks are bulging
With hopes that the trash man
Soon will soon be indulging.

I'll pack the decorations,
The paper, the bows.
Throw it all in a box,
And up in the attic it goes.

I'll then put my feet up,
Pop the top off my beer
And mentally prepare
To fricking do it all again next year!

Merry, Mary ... Ho, Hoe ... butts.

Listen! red light, yellow light, green-a-light go!
Crazy little woman in a one man show!


Merry, Merry & Happy, Happy!!!

I scoured the web last night in search of just the right Christmas and holiday photos to liven things up. Now, I didn't realize that the BDSM (bondage, domination & submission and sadomasochism) crowd also 'celebrates' the holidays with their posting. Not that there is anything wrong with that lifestyle, just not not really my normal cup of tea. Plus, I don't want to be blacklisted by Blogger.

[Late Edition 12/19/04: Female feedback asked me to provide this link of a *cough* male santa. Be forewarned that this link NSFW. I'm curious if this santa wiggles and giggles when you touch his belly to see if it's feels like a bowl full of jelly?]

Tomorrow I'll be starting my own Christmas season with my trip to Nebraska. Unlike the rest of the free world, I don't get into the spirit at the end of Halloween (in isolated places it's stalled until Thanksgiving but still). But I just don't have that much stamina or good cheer to spread around.

Hopefully this photo above also shows that I'm not simply a blondes only kind of guy. Although I'm not sure green is ever going to replace this years black. Now, fishnets are exotic and erotic year round, but wouldn't help this woman.

Now, for those of you cynical bastards out there that think this is all garbage, this is for you. Enjoy.


The 18 moons of Christmas for all you Grinches.

Yes, It IS Cold Here

Okay, where are the men's boxers or briefs with cute saying? And if they were available, would they still be cute? Although true, I am freezing my buns off too, probably not something the average person would look for. But who really knows?

And I won't even go into the fact that although this lady is cold, she's missing a shirt, shorts and most likely socks too...I don't want to sound too preachy.

I Survived & Am Now Laughing

So today, I'm driving to *finally* get out Christmas cards printed when I come up on a Range Rover decked out with the oversized luggage rack including huge floodlights. As I drove closer, I noticed the rear spare tire cover had a saying on it: "Hummer Recovery Vehicle". Oh, that was rich. Yeah, the Range Rover has been around for years and survived many trips to odd places around the world, but to be a Hummer recovery tool - I openly laugh at that idea. Now, I'm pretty sure that the pussy little suburbanite drivers I see in their yellow Hummers could easily get stuck and a Range Rover could save them, but anyone who know how to drive off road could go where no other conventional vehicle could go.

The other item that got me chuckling was a few of the horoscopes I read today.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
A mysterious portrait of you, painted by an acknowledged master, will increase in value as the years progress, while you remain worthless.

Oh, and when I woke this morning, my side was not hurting like all holy-heck such as the case had been the last two days. Apparently my appendicitis as subsided.

200 Things - I've Done The Bolded - You?

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb (the animal, no, the person, yes)
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records, cds or tapes
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read,
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

Best Opening Lines

The Lyttle Lytton Contest

For those of you interested in a writing contest, I offer you the Lyttle Lytton Contest. It is for the worst opening line of a novel. There are many examples on their website but I’d like to offer my favorites from 2001 to present contests.

2001:
• Mary (who dies at the end, so don't get all surprised like the stupid person who wrote me on my other book) loved Joe, a lot.
• If you're going to start reading my novel, please stop touching yourself like that.
• A lone testicle lay in a barren field.
• In anticipation, John licked his own lips.

2002:
• The pain wouldn't stop, and Vern still had three cats left.
• But Gran was once again lost in quiet reminiscence, or perhaps her epilepsy.
• Bound, blindfolded, and buttered, at last Leopold knew the semblance of peace.
• Maria's flossing was now complete.

2003:
• It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; I know that's a contradiction but bear with me.
• Sing, O Muse, of Tiffany's wrath on Triple Coupon Day.
• Michael had always wanted to lactate.
• It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. Yup... dark and stormy.
• In retrospect, Grace realized she probably shouldn't have fucked a Republican.

2004:
• This is the story of your mom's life.
• Juicy, their love was like forbidden fruit: tasty.
• My English teacher, Mrs. Robinson, always said to start in the middle of something interesting, so here's Peter encased in 50 cubic feet of Jell-O.
• I am pleased to announce that, although attitudes have improved immensely, the beatings will continue.

Go ahead, talk amongst yourselves and you decide on a winner.

I'm Still Alive - But I Need To Write My Book Soon

Wow, I've got the cover of my book done (read: photoshopped). The price of the book has been set, probably without the consent of marketing and sales departments. Heck, even the warning for "adult reading" has been attached to my book's cover. I guess the ownership for success falls on me - again.

The End Is Near -- Well, Near The Rear

Alright Space Rangers, this might be Capt’n Nasty’s last entry in the blog. As I’m typing this my right side is in excruciating pain, but only when I stand erect – as in straight up and down; not, excited in a male kind of way. Sitting with a slight lean forward alleviates that shooting pain and transforms it into a dull ache.

If it’s an appendicitis, well, wouldn’t that just suck, with 9 days to go before Christmas. As a 16 year old kid, I spent the day before Christmas Eve in the hospital getting my wrist pinned together after a football injury shattered the bone. I spent the night in the hospital and was released on Christmas Eve with just enough time to be drug and dragged (in that order) to church, although the pain medicine I was given at discharge did not match the comfort level of the morphine I received for 24 hours after the operation. There I was, wearing a sweatshirt with one arm cut off, my hand looking like a wrapped frozen turkey sitting atop a pillow I’d brought for resting my club hand, dazed and spouting off saying that to this day my sister will repeat to keep me in my place. The two best ones are: “If you gotta ask, you don’t know.” And “Hey, I’m not just talking here.”. Classics, both. That was neither a ‘merry’ nor a ‘happy’ Christmas. Although the wrist healed well until I broke it again in the Corps but I’ll save that one for another day.

So, back to my appendicitis. I’m either dying or I have gas. Only time will tell. Tune in tomorrow to see if I’ll need a coffin or clean tightie-whities for my Christmas list.

Finally Back

Okay, for those of you living in climates north of Interstate 20, you can chalk this up to a whiny little southern boy complaining for the sake of claiming. But let me tell you, it's been frickin' cold around here lately.

Last night the temps dipped down to 28 degrees for about 4 hours. Around here that's just ridiculous!

Now, a good friend in Omaha had 28 degrees and was elated that it warmed up that much in one day. I think the low that day in Omaha was close to a bazillion-and-four below zero. So 28 was balmy.

But for now, its cold. Outside the temps are cold and inside its downright frigid too. I am a whining little girlie-man, I guess.

Vote for this entry as the absolutely worst blog entry ever posted on the Internet by clicking here.

Clean Mouses or Clean Mices - You Choose

I've been away for a while doing some real work with real travel, although they were just day trips, they're enough to stop my creative juices from flowing. And I also helped a neighbor setup two computer systems complete with all the tips and tricks I know. To name a few, I defragmented the MFT tables, setup their internal network with a hardware & software firewall, and generally got them up and running as best as they can expect for new systems. However, I ran across a site that had a writeup on how to clean your mouse. It didn't require disassembly or any liquid cleaning agents, so I thought I'd pass it along.

How to clean your mouse:

To recalibrate your mouse, click and hold on the S. Then drag the S toward the e. If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.


Stop screwing around and go do something constructive

Mid-Summer's Mid-Week Baseball Dream - In Haiku

The thwack of a bat,
one, two, three strikes; anxious I am.
Chicago, I'm ready.



Checked the schedules,
whittled down the dates to three
ChiSox & Cubs June?



Shopping is a no!
Two nights, three games, is there more?
Not with three women!

Dreaming

moonlight beach
the silver waves
between our tan lines

There She Goes Again

Most pictures don’t faze me, but this picture has stuck with me for several years - although I lost it a few months ago until a good friend got it back to me. I just think it’s funny, odd and revealing – all at once. Titles I’ve added when I send it to friends as a joke have included: The Perfect Lawyer, or Your New Wife Just Two Weeks Ago, or Is That A Hole in your Hose? There are plenty of jokes to make with this picture.


Wow, look at her go!

Part of my fascination with it revolves around the observance of a woman using the urinal at a concert about 10 years ago: White Zombie in Washington D.C.. It was the same type of standing urinal as this picture and a particular hot yet skanky looking drunk concertgoer who was probably in her mid-thirties but looked like she'd live about 50+ years. She simple turned around, lifted her skirt in the rear and semi-squatted her butt over the urinal. I was slightly turned on but in an odd kind of way.

By the time I was out of the men’s room, my date was still waiting in the female’s line for the fairer sex’s restrooms. I broached the subject of her using the men’s like the other woman had – although in Deb’s defense she was wearing jeans not a skirt – which went over like a lead ballon.

And now, when I have to wait for a female to use the restroom, I always wonder how much faster things would go if women learned how to either pee into urinals (read: not try to hover over a dirty stool) or used some other methods to speed up the process. I’m not averse to women using the men’s stools in large gathering places like concerts, arenas and stadiums. But then maybe others would be fazed like I'm not.

Happiness for Women

The University of San Diego, Princeton University and the University of Michigan had nothing better to do with their endowments money and researchers time. So, naturally, being bored researchers, they dreamed up a question to ask people, gathered the answers, analyzed the results and voila', we now have a new study on women.

Headline: Women Enjoy Sex. They Hate Commuting.
Various other items fall in between those two.

Nine-hundred women were asked about their general happiness, sadness, feelings and moods. A rating system was devised with a scale of 6 (highest) to 0 (lowest) and applied to all answers; all categories have a numerical average rank.

Intimate relations (sex?) = 5.1
Socializing (talking?) = 4.59
Housework (cooking/cleaning) = 3.73
Working (full-time job) = 3.62
The boss = 3.52
Commuting = 3.45

Lastly, women who earn more are not necessarily more happy. As a matter of fact, wealth AND health were not factors in respondents happiness. However, I'm having trouble putting my brain around 'intimate relations' and 'socializing' versus sexual relations and talking/visiting/communicating. They just seem rather large groupings to be helpful.

I can probably save the researchers time, energy and some grant money by stating the obvious for men:
Sex = 6
anything else = 3

If you doubt me, let me hear your opinions in the comments below.

Mid-day Muse

When my story is told, and it will be told in song and fable and interpretive dance and puppet shows, people will weep with joy and, through sobs, say, “Today we have read greatness! How can our lives not be bettered by this?”

Okay, the puppet show response may not be so strong. People may not be ready for puppets.

It's Hump Day - Want To Laugh?

Just have a few sponge-tastic updates to pass along to whoever may care. I laughed. I hope you do too.

First, I installed a red-neck dog door this summer for my dogs. I have a dog door near the front door but the two lazy mutts would do their business about 12 inches from the front door whenever it was raining because they didn’t want to get wet. Needless to say, the odor and clean-up weren’t too pleasant. So, being imaginative, I took a 4X8 sheet of plywood, ripped it down to a little over 2 feet wide, cut it down about 2 feet in heigth, and installed a dog door in the bottom. This contraption then fits into my back sliding glass door with a little extra room on each side when the door is fully slid open to allow me grab it to place in or out of the sliding frame track.

Okay, so that little extra room equates to about 10 to 12 inches with the door wide open. My son decides on Sunday that he’s going to shortcut the whole run-around-to-the-front-door speech I’ve given him and he gracefully slides through. My wife then thinks that she too can fit through. I burst out laughing and literally couldn’t control my laughter. This, of course, incensed her and now it was “I’ll show you Time”. So she fits a leg through with her shoulder; they barely fit. Now the cabooses’ turn through this now tiny opening along with one boob at a time. Memories of my son’s head crowning at birth come to mind at this point of body manipulation and contortion while I’m having trouble with my balance due to my laughter. The next thing that comes to mind is how am I going to fix a sliding glass door on Sunday when this one is forced out of its frame. All the while laughing my ass off.

Once inside, and with utter disgust and contempt on her face, my wife looks at my son and asks, “Are you laughing at me?” in her best stern motherly voice. As only my son can answer while laughing, “No Mom, I’m laughing with Dad!”. Classic comedy.

The second hardy-har-har that I have is also not short nor a knee slapper, but still funny. I don’t pretend to allow reality or common sense control too much of my thinking. I’m a rules are meant to be tested kind of guy. Well, it’s genetic.

Yesterday my son came home from 2nd grade with a not-so-stellar progress report card. The note says, “Must work on reading comprehension”. I look on the bright side that he can read in the 2nd grade, the comprehending part will come in the 3rd and 4th grades, but I look through his homework that get returned weekly.

I’ll give you the quick and dirty overview of the paragraph he was to read and the questions on this particular one-page Thanksgiving worksheet.

The Pilgrims left Europe for the Colonies. The Pilgrims planted crops and raised animals. They also hunted and picked local plants with the help of native Americans. The Indians were a big help. The trees were used to build ships for sailing back to Europe. There were plenty of trees to build ships.

So the first question read:
The Pilgrims got trees from ____________________
My son’s response:
the island in the gulf where the rabbits lived.

Next question.
The Pilgrims were helped by ____________________
His response:
being able to cook for themselves.

This went on for 4 more questions. Out of 100 points, his teacher was kind enough to give him 34 points. Thirty-four????? Not 35 or 30…..(That’s a different complaint of mine). It was a fill in the blank where my son made up his own answers. When I asked him about it, he looked me in the eye and said, “Dad, where does it say I need to read AND answer the questions?”

He had a point. How can I argue with reasoning like that?